ARCHIVES
Due to popular demand I am going to keep all ASK M FLO'S in an archive, so you can peruse it at your leisure and laugh your ass off! Yes, so funny your ass WILL fall off! Or your money back. (And by money back I mean a kick in the dick)
Dear M FLO, Dear M FLO,
I know you know about movies so let me ask you, What's up with Big Trouble in Little China? I find that movie to be highly offensive. Seeing as how I am little and chinese, I take great offense to the suggestion that I cause, or would even be associated with Big Trouble. I pay my taxes. I drive my rickshaw for 8 hours a day and I bust my baskethead hat trying to be good member of the community. Please help me put an end to this blatant disregard for us short won tons. Thank you
Love, Luk Up Achu
Dear Fu Man Chump,
Look here mutant, there's gonna be big trouble in your little crotch soon if you don't quit bagging on one of the best movies ever! Don't cry just because you wanted to stalk Kurt Russell and he threw you out on your skinny little ass! So buzz off and leave me alone before I shove that egg roll where the sun don't shine!
Dear M FLO,
I just wanted to let you know that I don't appreciate your last column, I am very offended that you would tell someone to beat their animals. Be sure that I will be calling the authorities on you if I should hear about any disturbing dogs deaths.
signed, PETA
Dear Animal Loveing Asshole,
Hey, my lawyers said that nothing can be pinned on me, and I am not responsible for any ideas people get of their own accord, ok? So you better just back the fuck up before I make with the face pummelling.
Dear M FLO,
I know you have a movie review section every issue, and I wondering if you were going to review The Passion Of The Christ anytime soon.I found it to be a very spiritually uplifting movie and would like to share that with other people. Thank you.
signed, I Heart Jesus
Dear Brainwashed Zombie,
NO NO NO, Jesus will not be sucking up any space on this page! In fact, I don't even know why I answered this question! I have no desire to see Mel Gibson's snuff film trying to tell me what to think. So don't ever bring it up again or I'll have to put the hurt on you so bad you'll be wishing you got off as easy as Jesus!
You know, I saw your wallpaper gallery, and they are not so great, why don't you make some nice inspiring wallpapers or something for a change?
signed, Hugs And Puppies
Dear Tree Hugging Loser,
Hey, my art is not about rainbows and pennywhistles chump! If you think you could do better why don't you? I don't make wallpapers for ass ponies who walk around with their head in la la land, my stuff is for the cool kids only!
Dear M FLO,
Yeah, I want to know, how come you seem so angry all the time? You should really just have a more positive outlook on life. I love you.
signed, Love
Dear Bitchface,
What the fuck? Did my site suddenly get prominently displayed in the assholes R us forum online? You people need to stop telling me to be nicer and think happy thoughts, because right now my happy thoughts include lopping your nuts off with my letter opener.
Dear M FLO,
Hey, I rented that movie Visitor Q and showed it to some poeple who wouldn't leave me alone, and now they're afraid to come near me because I cackled with glee while it was on! Ha! Thanks M FLO
signed, In Your Debt
Dear Mr Take Charge
All right! Now that's what I like to hear. Show your enemies what you are capable of withstanding, and watch them crumble under the unknown power of Japanese lactation!
Dear M FLO,
As you may or may not know, VH1 recently did a BEHIND THE MUSIC on the second greatest band the world has ever known. GUNS N ROSES, and in this they indicated that the new album "Chinese Democracy" is slated for a November 2004 release. This album has been a decade in the making and has been delayed and cancelled time and again, as were most GNR tours. Will it really happen this year? Or should I just tighten my bandana aroud my throat and asphyxiate to the strains of "Patience"?
Love, Used Illusion
Dear wanna be clever little butt monkey,
Ok bitchface, let's get a few things straight before we answer any questions. First, I make with the funny you're about to die in painful ways jokes, got that? So don't try to come up in here and think you have a witty line, becuase it just makes M FLO mad, and when that happens, people like your pansy ass get their rib cages ripped out and worn as hats. Second, do I even give a fuck about your shitty ass boring question? Now run along and play with all the other drooling mongoloids (and do it in the street so I can fly down on you doing 80 and squash your guts into the pavement).
Dear M FLO,
I know you're a big TV fan, and I was just wondering if you love me two favorite shows -- One Tree Hill and Charmed. Isn't Chad Michael Murray the HOTTEST??! And Charmed really speaks of what it's like to grow up as a young woman.
signed, WB4Eva
Dear Mutant Excuse For A Human,
Are you asking to be clubbed in the gut with a bag of hammers? Becuase anybody with two brain cells to rub together knows that I hate the WB like I hate crotch rot, and Chad Michael Murray is about as cute and smart as a box of hair, so get away from me with your fangirl yappings before I glue your face to a subway car.
Dear M FLO,
I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. My roommates have a dog, (although it's really more like a giant rat) and all it does night and day is bark at me and wet itself. What can I do to get some piece and quiet?
signed, I Hate Dogs
Dear Mr Boy Do You Have A Problem,
I feel for your pain my friend (yes, M FLO does have feelings too ya snickering assholes!) I have a flaming hate for the nasty little monsters too. All you have to do is wait until nobody is looking, then, when it starts to make a noise you drop kick that bitch so hard it'll be afraid to breathe your air after that. And if it still doesn't have enough sense to back the fuck away, well, you give me another call and some money can change hands and you won't see that thing any more.
back where we belong