MARIETTE GAZETTE Weekly World Update Vaginas: friend or foe? Movie Review Fall tv preview RANDOM TIDBITS ASK M FLO! GOOD NIGHT AND THANK YOU!
Yes I know, I am the laziest bitch on the west coast for not bringing your weekly dose of hilarity, but hey, I am very busy! Doing what you say? Well, umm, just shut up and read!
Hello there, sex fiends, and welcome to the glorious return of my 'Where The Wild Things Are' column. I know that I was supposed to be doing one of these every week in order to help the masses with relationship and sex advice...but well, I'm kind of lazy. That, and I've been ultra busy hitting the streets, racking up scandal and breaking hearts so I'd actually have something to write about.
As some of you know, my life has recently turned into 'As The World Turns: Tukwila', but as exciting as that is, I'm not here to write about it. No, I'm here to rant about something far more sinister and terrifying. Something that has haunted my nightmares since I was a short and overly round little boy. Something that would make me scream and have an attack of the vapors if I ever came anywhere near it. I feel it's time for me to open up about one of my greatest fears, and hopefully the courage that I show in this column will inspire you to come forth and share your own tales of bone-chilling horror. Yes folks, I'm here to warn you about that most evil and deadly of sex organs: the vagina.
Now, for those of you who actually have vaginas...namely women, there's no need to take offense to anything here. You may not be terrified of the vagina, because you do deal with it daily, but to a gay boy like me there is nothing scarier on this earth than that cavernous black hole that I once popped out of. Why is it so freaky, you ask? Well, luckily for you I'm about to list off the top three reasons why I've lost sleep at night thinking that there's a giant vagina hiding under my bed. I don't recommend reading this while you're alone, or in a dark room where anything could be lurking. Keep the lights on, invite friends over, and read on if you dare.
1. It's A Jungle In There!
One of the most loveliest and most comforting things about the penis is the fact that it just hangs out there for the world to see. It's a very straight-forward, up front kind of sex organ, and nothing about it is shrouded in mystery or deceit. On the other hand, entering a vagina must be something akin to riding on Space Mountain or being buried alive. It's dark, it's cramped, and seriously, how do we really know what the hell lives in there?
Considering all of the weird infections and problems vaginas seem to get, I've always imagined the inside to look something like an Amazonian jungle. It's warm, it's muggy, it's murky, there's a thick layer of fog on the ground, there are thorny vines hanging everywhere. I really don't want to stick my penis in there unless it's carrying a machete and a canteen. I might as well go grab a petri dish and just rub it all over my crotch.
2. Which Came First? The Vagina Or The Egg?
When I first heard that a woman loses an egg every time she has a period, I was quite mortified. I actually thought that once a month, every woman on earth went and sat on a toilet somewhere and laid a Grade A sized egg, just like your typical chicken. Of course, years later I learned that the egg that is released is microscopic and can't be seen, but still the terrible image lingered. If I ever dared to have sex with a woman, I fear that it would be akin to fucking an omelet, which simply isn't a fetish that I'm into.
3. Why Don't You Just Get The Wonder Bread Logo Stamped On That Thing? AKA: Oh Oh Oh, Poppin' Fresh Dough! IN MY CROTCH!!!
Whoever came up with the term "yeast infection" should know that they have scarred me for the rest of my life. Like many people, when I think of yeast I tend to think of tasty breads baking to a golden brown, with the lovely aroma wafting from grandma's window on a warm summer day. But then someone throws the word "infection" after it, and suddenly I think of a vagina oozing puffy, unbaked dough. Again, the fact that yeast infections even exist lends support to my whole "Amazonian jungle" theory, since there would have to be one hell of a wonky climate in there for such a thing to happen.
As if the infection itself isn't horrifying enough, have you HEARD what some women do to get rid of these things? This following excerpt is taken from a website recommending YOGURT as an at home remedy. Yes, I'm talking a cup full of Dannon here people. Tell me this doesn't make the hairs on the back of your neck stand straight up:
Most women using yogurt to treat a yeast infection simply apply it directly to the vulva and gently inject some into the vagina by any means necessary. But how to get it in there? Here's a method suggested by one reader: put the yogurt in plastic tampon applicators and freeze them, and then you've got little yogurt-sicles to use next time you get a yeast infection. She says "It is really cold, of course, inserting the tampon, but I find it actually soothing compared to the fires of a damn yeast infection."
Seriously, yogurt-sicles? WRONG WRONG WRONG! I also read that women can make a homemade tampon out of cloves of garlic and stick it up there for relief. Why don't they just make a new show on the Food Network where they show women all of the spices in the cupboard that they can mix together and shoot up there? It's just like stuffying a turkey! This is far too horrifying a notion for me to even contemplate right now, and since I'm quite the garlic lover I'm just going to wrap this up before I'm forced to change my diet forever.
I think that those reasons are more than enough to give you nightmares for about a month, and that's without even touching on the monthly bloodbath or the fact that the clitoris likes to dress up in disguises and play cloak and dagger games. There are many reasons that we should all fear the vagina, and for those of you, men and women alike, who actually brave going near them...I respect you. Hopefully you'll be awarded a medal of honor someday for your troubles. Just remember to be safe, toss on your little latex friend, and always make sure your penis carries a machete and a canteen. Always be prepared.
This week's movie review is the exciting new British romantic comedy Shaun of the Dead. Now, I must admit that I don't usually like romantic comedies, I find them predictable and sappy, but this particular movie had something that set it apart from the others: zombies. Yes, that's right, love and zombies together at last.
The story is about a guy named Shaun, who's life consists of going to work, coming home, and hanging at the local pub with his best friend and girlfriend. His girlfriend doesn't enjoy this monotonous arrangementand decides to break up with him, leaving him alone with his unemployed lazy pal. Things go from bad to worse when a mysterious plague of zombies hits the streets.
This movie was really great because it has just the right amount of everything, really hilarious scenes, some touching moments, and blood fountains that Quentin Tarantino would be proud of. I would definately recommend people to get out and support this movie! And remember: aim for the head.
Now that summer is thankfully over the fall season is upon us, and you know what that means: new tv shows. So, I'd like to take a minute to review a few of the new shows I've been watching, and to bitch about the shows I most definately won't be watching.
Lost: Thew newest offering from the greatest brain currently working in television, JJ Abrams. A story of a terrible plane crashand how the survivors fare on their deserted island. Of course, there are secrets being kept and mysteries to be solved. Such as, why is there a polar bear on a tropical island? What is that distressingly large unseen creature in the forest gobbling up survivors? (I vote for Marlon Brando in a mumu) Why is Terry O'Quinn so creepy? And most importantly, how does Matthew Fox always have that same perpetual stubble no matter what job he has?
Desperate Housewives: How could you not want to watch a show that features Marcia Cross as a demented Martha Stewart clone? I first heard about this show because I'm a fan of hers, and the premise sounds quite exciting. It's about a Tim Burtonesque neighborhood in Stepfordville, populated with pretty and seemingly perfect families. But of course nothing is as it seems when one perfect wife does her shopping, weeds the garden, polishes the silverware, and shoots herself in the head. This is just the beginning of the strange and interesting secrets to be uncovered. And what is the best secret I found out about this show? Everybody's favorite composer Danny Elfman wrote the theme, and Steve Bartek will be doing regular scoring duties! Awesome!
Returing shows I am excited about: Alias, 24, the OC, Gilmore Girls
Now on to the crap. As much new and mind numbing junk is out there, a couple of shows stand out among the crowd as extra wank.
The Mountain:A lame looking OC wannabe brought to you by those asshats at the WB. People who they tell me are pretty but aren't badly acting, and lame dialogue. They cancelled Angel for this shite? From the WB, I'm not suprised.
Commando Nanny: More wantastic WB fare for your day.(sensing a trend? If it's the WB should be shot point blank and put out of my misery, you'd be right) A show about an ex military guy who seems to only be able to get the same job as a 15 year old girl: babysitting. I guess hilarity is supposed to ensue. Whatever. Didn't Hulk Hogan make this movie in the eighties? Didn't people hate it then too? Yeah.
- If you don't own and love the new Green Day CD American Idiot, then you sir, are the idiot.
- final Dark Tower: excellent. there were a couple things I had hoped would be different, but I understand and enjoy how to turned out.
- the weird guy at work was tying to tell me about the virtues of water not too long ago. Still no update on what the hell he's thinking.
- my dad is getting married next month! How weird is that anyway??
Dear M FLO,
I watched that movie Ken Park and now I have to take Prozac just to calm down it was so distressing. thanks bitch.
Love, Permanent Nightmares
Dear You Asked For It Idiot,
HA HA! My work here is done.
Dear M FLO,
Why didn't you put out a column about the Emmys? You did watch didn't you?.
signed, I heart Sopranos
Dear I Heart Beating You With Sticks,
Yeah, I watched the Emmys, and like usual, I was not amused. Like the last 5 years the same wank ass dramas won all the categories, and I don't have the breath to waste on how much IO want to drop everyone associated with The Sopranos and The West Wing into a pit of rabid, starved weasels, right after I push you in.
Dear M FLO,
Why are you so down on George Lucas? The Star Wars movies are his, and if he wants to imporove them with some exciting new CGI then let him! I already bought my new DVDs!
signed, Greedo Shot First
Dear Assface Extrordinare,
Oh my god, I can't kill you fast enough.George Lucas is an insane, power mad old geezer who is just ruining perfectly good movies becuase he feels like it! No George, sorry to break it to you, but once you released them, they ceased to be yours, now they're everybodys! I want my fucking puppets, and I want them now, not this CGI nonsense! George Lucas need to be strapped to a chair and bitten to death by rabid Ewoks while that screechy voiced Jar Jar sings the hits of Ricky Martin to him, over and over again.
Also, if I beat you so good you still need more, check out the Ask M FLO archives here
and that's where we're going, right back to the beginning...